Sunday, June 24, 2012

I think I need a wife

I've been married for so long now, it's embarrassing to count the years.  Nothing like a lengthy marriage to make you feel really really old. It got me thinking the other day, when we had one more of our silly spats, why do couples marry?

It makes no sense at all. To propagate the human race? Nah. The randy human race will propagate with or without a paper telling you that you can. To give society that strong base of family values? A strong family unit makes more strong family units which makes for a strong society? Okay that sounds even sillier in writing. Just the other day two grandsons killed their grandmother, stole her jewellery, sold it to a jeweller and proceeded to live it up. The cops caught them, interrogated them and they sang like larks. Now they are behind bars. So it cannot be to make a strong society.

I was talking to a trekker a couple of years back and he said he made it very clear to his wife before marriage that he was not interested in having children. Why? Because this is not the kind of world to bring children into. She married him.

So if you don't want to have children, why marry at all? Stuck to one person all your life, under one roof, waiting for death in the four walls of your house? And if you have children they live with you for how long - 20 years? Then it's bye mom and dad, see you at your funeral.

Now I had kids. I was petrified of the whole labour and delivery thing, not so much the bringing up of children and I learned pretty quick, that labour pain, delivery and that obscenity of stitches in your hoo-ha was a mere stub on the little toe compared with the compound fractures that were waiting for you.

Also, I'd like to know what happened to the man I married. He disappeared right under my nose and another nasty character took his place. The happy smiling horny guy disappeared and what I had was a resentful, nagging, horny guy. It does not gel. It's like a Rottweiler wearing a tou-tou and ribbons. 20 years later, I realized the guy I married had taken a hike and his doppelganger was making me look inward.

So I'm cooking and cleaning and washing and the doppelganger is also doing a whole lot of work in the house and outside. He is not happy doing it. I am not happy doing my chores, unless there's loud rock music playing, which he hates, but I listen to anyways, so that does not help. Then I keep hearing elderly people around, actually they are my age group, but I colour my hair so I'm a generation younger... I hear them say you must get your son married, he should settle down with a nice girl.

I thought I was a nice girl. Yes. Definitely. I was the nicest girl I knew. I liked me very much. Still do. My mother-in-law's son settled down with me, but we fight like cats on a daily basis. So in addition to doing chores which we don't like, we fight. It makes no sense, why do we continue? Why does any couple continue. And then it hit me. We're lazy sods.  That's why.

That whole Selection Process of finding a mate, the hard work that went into attracting and luring the mate up to the altar, all the emotional ups and downs, the trauma of the First Fight, the great care to not have a second until after the marriage, all that took too much effort, too much planning and it was too much of a pain. No regular person wants that kind of headache again.

Then there's that other thing. Even though you fight and resent each other most of the time, you know you are absolutely comfortable with the other person. He can see you at your petty worst, you see him at his, you can burp and fart in each others company, you tell each other you made a huge mistake marrying, and then suddenly something happens and you have that most magical of all moments - The Shared Laugh. And you think, that's why you stay married - you are lazy and bickering is not a bad thing actually, it releases steam.

But I think I would like a wife. Someone who would cook and clean for me, who would wash my clothes, who would shop and bargain, who would smoothen all the rough edges of my life and would turn away from me at night. That would be heaven. But that would also be a menage a trois, and that's trois too many. So okay. Wife for me? Regretfully scratch that from the list.